Dealing with a narcissist can be a confusing and exhausting experience. They have a knack for avoiding answering your questions, leaving you feeling unsure about your own reality. But how do they do it? In a recent Instagram post, betrayal, trauma, and narcissistic abuse specialist Jenna Lea shared eight specific things that narcissists do to avoid genuinely answering questions. These tactics include answering with a question, changing the subject, giving you the silent treatment, playing the victim, interrupting you, flying into a rage, being evasive, and disappearing. By understanding these tactics, you can better protect yourself from their manipulation and gaslighting.
8 Ways Narcissists Avoid Answering Your Questions
Dealing with a narcissist can be exhausting, overwhelming, and, most especially, confusing. That’s because they are masters at making the other person unsure about their own reality. When we are confused by something anyone in our life does, or we are seeking to better understand them, it’s totally natural to ask questions. However, asking a narcissist questions just draws us into another level of the game they are playing, and we doubt our experiences even more. It’s key to recognize you’re dealing with a narcissist, and one way you can do that is to observe their actions — not their answers — when you ask questions.
Jenna Lea, a betrayal, trauma, and narcissistic abuse specialist, shared on an Instagram post explaining eight things narcissists do to avoid genuinely answering your questions. They just may be an eye-opener for you.
1. Answering your questions with a question.
This tactic is used to deflect and avoid accountability. It keeps the focus off them and puts you on the defensive. For example, you’re in the middle of an argument with your narcissist and you end up bringing up a good point. A normal person may begin to feel defensive but will eventually concede if there’s nothing to defend. However, a narcissist will make it a point to flip the script to keep their ego intact. They will berate you and answer your question with a question — effectively confusing you and making you vulnerable to their manipulation.
2. Changing the subject when you ask a question.
Have you ever gotten into an argument with a narcissist just to have them switch the subject completely? One minute you’re talking about their behavior and the next you’re talking about your insecurities. This sort of switch-up can be confusing and may leave you feeling a little bit unsafe. According to journalist Hilary I. Lebow, “Research shows that those who live with narcissism often carry an innate sense of victimhood, which is why they might shift the blame over to you.” And what is the easiest way to shift the blame onto you? By changing the subject completely!
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3. Stonewalling you / giving you the silent treatment.
Stonewalling (aka the silent treatment) can have drastic consequences, notes researcher and couples therapist John Gottman, who says this tactic can be devastating to relationships because of the disconnection and frustration that arise as a result. To compare, a break is often used to pause, with the intention to regroup when everyone’s emotions are in order. But stonewalling, according to mental health writer Anna Drescher, is, “Abusive behavior, and it often falls under the passive-aggressive category.” Stonewalling can continue for days or weeks at a time. You see, the purpose of stonewalling isn’t to regroup, it’s to gain control over the situation and gaslight. If you aren’t sure if you are being stonewalled, these are a few ways to know: They are giving you the silent treatment, they refuse to communicate, and they dismiss you and ignore your needs.
4. Playing the victim and blaming you.
“Narcissists may play the victim if they believe they gain something from making you feel guilty,” explain Sandra Silva Casabianca and Traci Pedersen. Narcissists have a sense of entitlement that makes them feel as if they are more important than others, including you. And naturally, because they feel this way, they want to be treated as such. So, you can imagine what happens when they don’t get what they want — utter chaos. In comes victim mentality and shifting the blame. Yes, it’s key to understand that narcissists will say just about anything to keep their ego intact. But there are other reasons they do this, some of which include feeling as if their feelings aren’t considered enough, being hypersensitive, and interactions with their parents.
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5. Interrupting you.
There’s something so infuriating about someone interrupting you, especially a narcissist. “By preventing you from fully expressing yourself and your thoughts, they control the narrative and evade scrutiny,” writes Jenna Lea. When a narcissist has control over the narrative, you best believe you already lost. So, if your narcissist is interrupting your thoughts, say things like, “But I’m not finished yet,” or “I’d like to go back to the point I was trying to make.” Stand firm in your boundaries and don’t be afraid to walk away if your voice isn’t being heard or respected.
6. Flying into a rage.
If you’ve ever experienced a narcissist flying into a fit of rage, it can be quite terrifying. For some, their rage may seem so intense we could become concerned for our own safety. According to writer Arlin Cuncic, “There are two different types of narcissistic rage: outward or explosive, and inward or passive.” Explosive rage can include your narcissist hurling insults, screams, and threats your way. On the other hand, passive rage is when a narcissist will sulk and retreat away from the conversation completely. Either way, this is all a guise for your narcissist to avoid facing accountability.
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7. Being evasive.
Evasive behavior is a huge chapter in the narcissism playbook. Jenna Lea writes, “Evasiveness keeps you in the dark and prevents clear communication, maintaining their elusive control.”
8. Disappearing.
Being ghosted is never fun, especially when you’re left with unanswered questions. “But by going MIA, it helps your narcissist to avoid confrontation and accountability,” explains Jenna Lea. After all, how could they have to face accountability and responsibility if they withdraw from the conversation completely? When this happens, remind yourself that this is a manipulation tactic that won’t work on you. Stay firm in your desire to converse and engage in calm dialogue on your side. Remember, if your narcissist wants to have a relationship with you, they will have to compromise at some point.
In conclusion, dealing with a narcissist can be challenging, but understanding their tactics and strategies can give you the upper hand in protecting yourself. By recognizing and addressing the ways narcissists avoid answering your questions, you can maintain your sense of reality and stand up for yourself. Establishing boundaries, staying firm in your convictions, and seeking support from professionals are essential steps in navigating relationships with narcissists. Remember, you deserve to be heard and respected, and it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being.
